Lord of the Millennium Items
by Brenman
Summary: After watching the Lord of the Rings, Atem declares it story time as he fixes up some details in one of the best stories ever told. Come see how the story is told through Atem's point of view as he, Mana and Mahado travel around middle earth for kicks.
1. Introducing The Fellowship

Disclaimer: I don't own Yugioh or Lord of the Rings. I sure hope you didn't expect me to say something clever here. Because if you did, you're out of luck.

Brenman: I've had this idea rattling around in my head for a while and I finally decided to get it out of my system.

Lord of the Millennium Items

Chapter 1: Introducing the Phellowship of the Faraoh

It was a sweltering hot day in Domino city. Most people were staying inside to try and avoid the heat, but this wasn't the case for a couple of hardcore duelists and their best friends. In the middle of the street Atem and Joey stared each other down over the tops of their duel discs. Atem was visiting for summer vacation from the after life. Yugi, Tea, Tristan and Bakura cheered from the sidewalk as Atem made his move. "I play polymerization and fuse together my Dark Magician and my White Magician Pikeru to create The White Wizard." In front of Atem a tall wizard with a long white beard materialized into existence. The wizards flowing white robes caught the suns rays perfectly making them sparkle.

"Whoa, new monster?" Joey said excitedly, "What can it do?"

Atem smirked, "During each of your standby phases, you take 400 points of damage for every monster on the field." Atem raised his hand, "But before that happens, White Wizard attack Joey's panther warrior." The White Wizard raised it's long white staff and aimed it at Joey's monster. A beam of light shot out of the end and Joey's monster was destroyed. Joey winced as his life points dropped from 2400 to 1600. Atem smiled, "This games over."

Joey gawked at him. "What do you mean it's over?"

"I mean this game is over, When I end my turn and your standby phase starts your going to take 1600 points of damage. You have three Scapegoats on the field and I have one monster. Do the math, that's four times four hundred."

Joey looked at the field and then his shoulders slumped, "No matter how hard I try, I can never beat you or Yugi."

Atem frowned, "Don't be upset Joey. You are a great duelist, most people would be very happy to be the third ranked duelist in the world."

Joey laughed, "Since you and Yugi split bodies I'm the fourth ranked duelist."

Tea joined in to the conversation with a laugh, "Still, fourth in the world is pretty good. Besides, Atem isn't sticking around unfortunately."

Joey let a grin adorn his face, "You're right, thanks guys."

"No problem Joey, that's what friends are for." Tristan said.

Off to the sidelines Yugi looked at Bakura, "You know. I'm the main character and I haven't even got any lines yet." Bakura nodded in understanding.

The group headed inside the game shop and went up stairs into the living quarters. Joey sprawls out on the couch and laughs, "You know Atem, that White Wizard looked just like Gandalf, and he was named the white wizard too."

Atem perked up, "How do you know the name Gandalf?"

Joey chuckled, "I watched the Lord of the Rings. How else would I know. Everyone knows who Gandalf is. Right guys?"

Everyone in the room nods their heads. Atem looks perplexed, "What is this Lord of the Rings?"

"It's a trilogy of movies, and a book series." Yugi says. "We have the movies right over here." Yugi goes and roots through the cabinet underneath the T.V. "Here we are. If you guys want to stay for a sleep over we could watch them all."

-- Many Years Later --

"Well, we finally finished watching the movies." Tristan said, "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go shave this beard I grew."

Everyone laughed at Tristan's joke. "Well what did you think of that Atem?" Joey says.

Atem looked thoughtful. "Well, it was entertaining, but they got a lot of facts wrong."

The group looks at him oddly before Bakura spoke up, "What do you mean, fact? It's just a story."

Tristan suddenly gasps, "Holy card games! It talks."

Bakura frowned, "Yes let's all make fun of Bakura for getting his first line after everyone else."

Atem sat down on the couch. "I clearly remember all of this happening. Albeit. A little differently then this."

Tea laughed, "But this is just a story that took place thousands of years ago."

"Gather round everyone," Atem said and the group sat on the ground around him, "I have a story to share."

"Great," Yugi said, "I love stories."

"It all started thousands of years ago. I was the young prince of Egypt at the time and I was heading over to middle earth on a diplomatic journey to meet with our trading partner, Gondor, which by the way has been renamed New Zealand." Atem said in a wise sounding voice, like he was some old grandfather telling stories of his youth. "We traveled there by boat. We first arrived in a place called the Shire. This was probably the happiest day of my life. You see, for once I met people that I didn't have to look up to. They were all short like me, and they had really hairy feet, unlike me."

"Hang on, Your not that short. At least not hobbit short, or Yugi short." Joey said.

"Well at the time I was about Yugi's age and I never hit puberty until I was thirty-four."

"What?" Yugi screamed out, "Does that mean I'm going to have to wait another sixteen years before I get taller?"

"Yes. Now stop interrupting Mini Me." Atem scolded the younger boy, " Anyway. When we got to the Shire we found out that middle earth was in the middle of a war between the good guys and this one really mean dude with a spiky helmet. So for my safety we decided we would use aliases to help us hide."

Who exactly were you traveling with?" Yugi asked.

"I was traveling with my two best friends of course, Mahado and Mana. Our journey was supposed to be like a road trip. Unfortunately the absence of paved roads at the time made that really difficult. Now as I was saying, we took on aliases. As long as we were in middle earth I was supposed to be known as Frodo Baggins. Mahado took on the guise of Gandalf the Grey and Mana started calling herself Peregrin Took, otherwise known as Pippin."

"Wait a minute," Bakura stopped the story, "in the movie Pippin was a boy. Mana wasn't."

"Very good Bakura," Atem stated, "you know your genders. See back in that time, Most of middle earth was a bit biased on the subject of women. So Mana pretended to be a guy so as to avoid any miss judgment. Now Gandalf, Pippin and myself all traveled on our way to the nearest town because we heard that 'Mr. Evil-Pants with the spiky helmet' as Mana had taken to calling him, had sent some dudes on horseback after us. So we headed on over to Bree and spent the night at the Prancing Pumpking Inn, none of this stupid Pony stuff. We stayed there for the night, and because this was the first time Mana or I had been able to drink alcohol. Well. You can probably imagine what happened."

"Do we really want to?" Bakura asked.

"Well. I'll tell you anyway. I spent most of the night running around with the Millennium Ring I conveniently had with me, turning myself invisible and drinking other peoples drinks."

"I'm almost scared to ask, but what did Mana do?" Tea queried.

"We got so drunk that Mana started hitting on Mahado. It was pretty funny. She was all like, 'Hey hottie. Do you love me?' and he was like, 'Huh?' and then she went, 'I mean. Do you want to stick your magic staff in my cauldron and-"

"Okay Atem. We get the Idea." Yugi cut in. Everyone was quiet for a couple of seconds looking at Yugi before he spoke again, "So. did they get it on."

"No, they didn't get the chance, because Mana was dressed up as a guy the bartender kicked us out saying that they didn't want gay people in their bar." Atem rubbed his chin thoughtfully, "Now by this time I was so drunk I can't really remember what happened after that, but we stumbled out of town and started heading... Well I'm not sure where we were planning on going at the time, but we did get attacked by these guys dressed up like the reaper of the cards"

"The Ring-Wraiths?" Joey said in awe.

"Yeah. Those guys." Atem said, "Apparently they wanted my Millennium Ring. I told them they couldn't have it so they tried to fight us. Now apparently from what I can remember. Mana had stolen Seto's Millennium Rod before we left and she started using it to brain wash the wraiths. She had them making out with each other. Okay, The next bit is one big blur. Then I woke up in Rivendell with a huge hang over."

"The Wraiths were making out?" Tristan asked.

"Yeah. Too bad Mana didn't make them take bathes or something. Because they all smelled like onions or something rotten." Atem shivered, "Back to the story. We stayed in Rivendell for a while until the elves decided that, because we were traveling dignitaries, we should have an escort. So we ended up traveling with a bunch of guys that didn't really seem to like each other. Some of the guys were weird, like the elf. He was totally a hippy, and this one human kept giving me these looks that basically told everyone he was evil. I did get along with the dwarf really well. Gimli was his name and he was about the same height as me. It was great to have a traveling companion with legs as short as mine. Really, when you're walking across a continent, short legs aren't something you want."

Joey failed to hold back a snort at this remark.

"Do you find something funny long-legs?" Atem asked as Yugi scowled at the blonde boy. "Do I need to whoop your butt in another card game?"

Joey shut up instantly, "No sir."

"Good. Now at first we began trying to travel over the mountains to Gondor, but because we had somehow lost all our shoes when we were drunk, our feet began to freeze in the snow. So the group decided to rely on me to make all the tough decisions, but because my feet hurt, I decided to make us travel through the mines. This was really fun, we got to go into these really hot stuffy mines full of dead bodies and then we got attacked by a bunch of Goblin attack forces or something. We had to run away from them all." Atem Shifted himself on the couch to get into a more comfortable spot, "After being chased around the place by these things for a while they gave up and left. Lazy goblins. Unfortunately after that, we were attacked by a giant flaming Obelisk the Tormentor or something. It was all like, 'Do any of you happen to have a fire extinguisher.' but because this was thousands of years ago we didn't know what the heck that was so we were like, 'get away from us you giant flaming homo.' and we ran away and crossed this really narrow bridge. Turns out Mahado was still kind of drunk or something because he accidentally fell off the edge and we didn't see him again for a while."

Atem began chuckling, "Turns out he only fell down about four feet and hit his head, but we didn't stop to see where he had gone. We ran out of the mines, and after pretending to cry for a while we ran into these woods and Gimli just about crapped his pants when we got there. He kept on talking about some crazy Elven whore that would suck are eyes out or something crazy, I wasn't really listening. Soon afterwards all these elves jumped out and took us prisoner. Mana and myself could have gotten us out of there if we wanted to, but we were bored and wanted to see what they were going to do to us."

Tea scowled, "That could have been dangerous."

"No, Mana on a sugar high is dangerous. This was just different. First off these guys tried to take us to a Green Peace Convention but Mana made them make out with each other until they changed their minds. She really has something about watching people make out. Next we were taken to see this really hot woman who lived in this really cool tree house. I had always wanted my own tree house, but growing up in Egypt, trees were hard to come by. The tree's they had though were huge, at least for a little while. The stupid elves kicked us out after Mana sort of, burnt most of the forest down. She does that kind of thing surprisingly often. Why do you think Egypt doesn't have many forests? You guys should consider yourselves lucky you met Mana and still have all your limbs intact."

The group involuntarily shuddered. Atem sucked in a breath, "Let's continue the story. After being booted out of the Elven lands we traveled by boat down a big river. After a few days of this we began noticing that we were being followed by some shady character on a log. It took me a while to recognize him as the Thief King Bakura."

Bakura gulped, "Oh dear, I hope he didn't bother you too much."

"Nah, he's always been a good laugh. Anyway, I talked to Aragorn about this and turns out he had heard of Bakura following us from the Elven scouts. They had begun calling the thief Golum

because his voice was so rough and scratchy. I thought this name suited him pretty well, so I started calling Golum instead."

Bakura looked indignant, "Well, that's not very nice."

Atem brushed him off, "Shut up Golum. I was busy telling a story. Speaking of this Aragorn guy, I got along pretty well with him after a while when I realized that he was royalty also. So we spent some time talking together about why it's awesome to have lots of slaves and what kind of women we get for our harems. When we got to shore, right near the big honking waterfall. We were busy minding our own business when we got attacked by these big smelly guys with swords. I had thought those other guys had needed bathes, but these guys smelled twenty times worse. They ended up kidnapping Mana, I tried to warn them about her, but they wouldn't listen. They tried to capture me to, but I got in a boat and ran away. Wow look at the time. That's all the story your getting for tonight." Atem got up and headed off towards his bedroom he shared with Yugi.

"Wow. That was one heck of a story." Tea said before turning the lights off. "I wonder when we'll hear the end of it.

Brenman: Here is the first chapter. Hope you liked it. Yami's a Hobbit. Yay. Now children, never forget to review.


	2. Introducing More Drunk People

Disclaimer: What's the point. No one reads these anyway. Instead of a disclaimer, I would like to talk to you about Reincarnation. You Know... I don't own the Mr. Hell show, or Yugioh, or The Lord of the Rings.

Brenman: Here is the second chapter to my award winning, ground breaking- Oh who am I kidding? Certainly not a person as smart as you? (Sucking up)

Chapter 2: One Down. One To Go.

Atem, Yugi, Tea, and Bakura sat in the kitchen watching as Joey and Tristan tried to out do each other in an eating contest. Shortly afterwards Atem, Yugi, Tea, and Bakura found themselves sitting around Joey and Tristan's hospital beds. "So guys," Yugi started, "What was it like to have your stomach's pumped?"

Joey shrugged, "Just like every other time."

"Yeah," Tristan agreed, "One more time and my punch card will be full, them I'll get a free stomach pump." Tristan pulled out a little yellow card with nine holes in it for emphasis.

Atem sat in the corner of the room with a bored expression on his face, "So, when can you two get out of here?" he asked. "I need my early morning card game or I'm going to go into withdrawal."

Joey smiled, "The doctor said we can leave at the end of the chapter."

Atem sighed, "I guess I better get on with the story then." Everyone nodded, eager to hear what happened to the fearless adventurers. "Now as I stated last time, I ran away like a little coward. There was no way I was going to let those smelly guys rape me or whatever. Now I wasn't around for the next part, but I got the story from Mana and Mahado. Mahado had just recently managed to catch up with the group. He told me had managed to track the group down by following the trail of Mana's unique path of destruction."

Everyone in the room shivered involuntarily. "Shouldn't someone like Mahado, with all that magic have been able to catch up faster then that?" Tea asked.

"Look guys," Atem said bluntly, "When you have an excuse to avoid Mana, you'd have to be crazy not to us it."

Everyone in the group shrugged their shoulders at the simple truth of the statement, "Guess you're right." Tea replied, "Please continue."

"Mahado and three of the guys that came with us began following the smelly guys across the country. The other guy, Boromir, had told them he was going to follow me and help me get to Gondor. I didn't know he was following me, but thanks to my short legs he caught up with me faster then you could say Black Luster Ritual." Atem cracked his neck expertly before continuing, "He told me that he wanted the millennium Ring for himself so he could sneak into the girls change room. He tried to take it from me, and because Mana had all the weapons there wasn't much I could do to stop him. Fortunately for me, he suddenly died from the bubonic plague. Thankfully I was Egyptian and the main character (In an anime show and a book series) and was therefore immune to injuries, diseases, and boring hairstyles."

"Your hair is pretty freaky. Have you ever had to get a hair cut?" Bakura asked.

"Yes, summer of 2973 B.C.E. Mana shaved my head as a prank. not that you're one to talk Mr. pansy hair." Atem smirked and waved Bakura off as he was about to respond, "Let's continue the story. Boromir had just died and I really didn't have anything else to do, so I put him in a boat and watched his body be ripped to shreds by the big honking waterfall. It was really entertaining for about half a minute. Back with the other group, they were busy chasing the smelly guys with Mana for about five on screen minutes." Atem paused as Joey's hand shot up from his side and he began waving it back and forth franticly, "Yes Joey?"

"What is Five on screen Minutes in metric?" Joey asked.

"About three days." Atem stated simply, "As I was saying. They ran across the country for three days and then, when they didn't look both ways before crossing the plains, were nearly ran over by a group of drunken guys on horses. Turns out they had been drowning their sorrows in ale because no one liked them anymore. I mean, how unpopular must you be to be kicked out of your own country?" Atem giggled uncharacteristically before continuing his story, "When they had turned up the leader had tried to tell a joke, but was to drunk to remember how it went. It was something like, 'An Elf, a Man, and a Dwarf walk into a bar and... I... no that's not it... Your Mamma likes horses. Take that.' As it turns out the drunken guys had gotten into a bar brawl with the smelly guys. Even if they weren't in a bar at the time. Turns out all the smelly guys were dead, and they were terrible fighters. They only managed to kill two people the entire time, like storm troopers."

"What happened to you during all this?" Yugi asked curiously.

"Me?" Atem said, "Well, I was heading on my way to Gondor because I had nothing better to do. Of course a couple days later Golum showed up and after talking with him for a while he told me he knew his way around here. I should have figured that we were both from egypt and he was a lost as me, but it didn't occur to me that he was a big stinking liar until he managed to lead me into these nasty marshes full of dead bodies. Now, on one hand, I was royalty and was going into servant withdrawal, and on the other hand, Golum was like a kid in a candy shop. I think he has a fetish for dead bodies."

Bakura nodded, "That is true. You wouldn't believe what he had my body do when he was in control."

"Try me." Atem stated.

"I'd rather not talk about it." Bakura said meekly.

"Good, because this is my story. Now as I was saying, The other group had chased after the smelly guys, but found them all dead. They had sped up their journey by stealing a bunch of horses from the drunk guys. When they got to the edge of the forest they found a bunch of dead bodies. Aragorn, Gimli and the hippy all thought Mana was dead when they got there, but Mahado stubbornly stated that she couldn't be killed by anything short of armageddon. After a while Aragorn began trying to track her down. He went down on his hands and knees and tried to find where she was. Mahado said it he was like, 'A drunk guy vomited here, and another here. A cross dressing girl lay here. She painted her nails, then began moving in this direction. Her binding were cut over here. She stopped over here to torture one of the smelly guys. She kept moving towards the forest. She stopped again right here and made a couple of the drunk guys make out together." Atem was cut off by Tea.

"How could he have been able to tell all this stuff?" She asked.

"Because he was a main character and also royalty it turns out he had super powers." Atem said nonchalantly.

"Does that mean you have super powers to?" Joey queried.

"Sure does." Atem said happily, "My super power allows me to play card games really well. Or it might be because I'm voiced by Dan Green."

Suddenly Yugi burst in, "You can't say that. That's a Yugioh the Abridged Series joke, and you didn't mention Little Kuriboh in the disclaimer."

"I can do anything I want," Atem threw in, "because I'm voiced by-"

"Don't even think about it mister." Yugi said, putting his metaphorical foot down.

"Oh fine, no more cheep stolen jokes." Atem said dejectedly.

"Super special awesome." Yugi said happily.

Atem smirked evilly, "Aha. Caught you red handed. You're such a hypocrite."

"Yugi's a hippopotamus?" Tristan asked cluelessly.

"Back on track," Atem said quickly, "while all this had been happening Bakura and I had been trying to get out of those smelly marshes, and find our way to civilization because I was still going through slave withdrawal. While we were heading on our way to the closest city, Osgiliath, we had to hide from one of those smelly reaper of the cards guys. Only this time he was riding a Curse of Dragon in stead of a horse. So after thinking about it for a while I figured that I would start calling these wraiths, Gaia's." Atem stood up and stretched. "Can we leave yet. I'm bored."

Yugi shook his head. "More story."

"Fine." Atem sighed, "While we were heading to the slave markets of Gondor, the other group tracking down Mana, who I would like to point out is unsupervised at the moment. Some time while they were marching through the forest tracking her, Gimli managed to find this crazy substance called bleach. When they were resting one time, Gimli used it on Mahado's Robes as a prank. Turns out his robes changed from being a dirty grayish brown color to being white. So they decided to change his name from Gandalf the Grey to Gandalf the White. Not a really big change but it made him look cooler, and somehow he got a better looking staff to. Anyway, Mahado and his group of tall people had just come out of the forest when they saw Saruman's army heading off towards Rohan. Home of the drunk people."

"So what was Saruman like?" Tristan asked Atem.

"He was a senile old fart. Everyone thought Saruman had his army attack Rohan because he was siding with the big meanie with the spiky helmet. It was only later that we found out he did it because he was angry that Theoden, the king of Rohan, beat him in a drinking contest." Atem rubbed his chin sagely, "Anyway. The group of four had just left the woods near the tower of Orthanc at Isengard when they saw Saruman's smelly army heading off. When they looked towards the tower. What they saw was Mana and a bunch of walking trees destroying the tower and anything else unlucky enough to be nearby. I figure that this is when the tall people decided to leave Mana alone for right now and they headed off to Rohan to warn everyone.

"Fast forward for a couple days, after meeting with the king and getting their army together all the tall people and the drunk people headed off for their fortress in the mountains. While they were doing this Bakura and I had managed to get to Osgiliath, but it turns out the city had been abandoned, and was constantly under attack by some more smelly people. You have to understand, people rarely took bathes, and I was royalty, Everyone smelled funny to me." Atem looked around waiting for someone to object. He wasn't disappointed.

"So do you think we stink?" Joey asked with tears in his eyes.

"Only at card games." Atem stated with a curt nod, "Bakura and myself didn't really feel like sticking around Osgiliath, so we started walking towards this glistening white city in the background. It wasn't very far away, so we arrived a couple of hours later. Minas Tirith it was called, and it was the cleanest city I had ever seen. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought I was on a movie set. Bakura and I spent the next few days touring the bars and strip clubs of Minas Tirith, so there's nothing really interesting to tell you. Except for this table dancer we found with three boobs."

"Cool," Joey and tristan said simultaneously.

"Yes, it was," Atem said, "Mahado and his group had made it to helms deep, in the mountains. They were planning to hold up their with the entire population of Rohan until the war ended. Unfortunately, they had to share the space with a bunch of pointy eared hippies from green peace. Shortly after getting everyone settled in, the fortress was surrounded by Saruman's army of smelly people. After a little over a day of fighting it looked like the smelly guys were going to over power the drunk people. Fortunately, that's the point when Mana came riding in on her walking trees. They squished all the smelly guys and proceeded to force drunk people to make out." Atem clapped his hands together, "Great, that's the end of this chapter. You folk will have to wait until later to see how the story ends."

Suddenly the door opened up and Dr. Badtouch walked into the room. "Okay kids. Your free to go."

Brenman: Hope you enjoyed this chapter.

Rex: Heheheh, she had three thingies.

Weevil: Ohhhh yeah.


End file.
